By Abigail Ryan
According to the U.S. Census, Forty-two percent of African-Americans are getting married, in comparison to 61% of Caucasians. Of those 42% , 12% have later filed for divorce, while 62% remain single-parent families.
In order to transform these dismal statistics we must understand what is at the heart of the matter. One theory is that we have inherited past pain, yet we have learned undauntedly to remain resilient. Unfortunately, the vestige of slavery and its domino effect has produced such a forceful momentum that it can still be seen in our daily lives but is seldom discussed.
According to Brenda Richardson and Dr. Brenda Wade, in their thought-provoking book, "What Mama Couldn't Tell Us About Love," too many failed myths remain embedded in many of us. These myths include "conflict in a relationship is inherently negative," "great sex is a sign that the relationship will lead to a successful marriage," and "a couple must live together to discern whether or not their relationship will endure."
Conflict is inevitable within relationships involving individuals with different social, religious and economic upbringings, and also different geographic areas. A couple desiring a lasting marriage must consistently work towards this goal, with undying faith.
The needs of men often differ from that of women. Men often yearn for respect, while women generally want to feel loved. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs explains this concept fully in his book titled, "Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs."
So, you want to find out how to bring out the best in marriage? As is the case with most things in life, educating yourself is the answer..
The author will be available for further discussions Wednesday 04/16/08 from 6-7 pm .
Responses posted before or after the allotted time will addressed by the author at a later date.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
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34 comments:
I think two key items in relationships are: a) communications and respecting one another's opinion. Even if you say a statement and you mean it. If it hurts your man or woman that you are with to apologize for hurting them. b)Growth - Are the two of you on the same long term page and willing to go through ups and downs to get to your common goals?(while enjoying life together)
I also wanted to say too many people do not think of marriage as a life long commitment. Some will say, I hope it works out with my first wife(or husband), which sets a bad initial tone in the relationship.
Unfortunately marriage not life long endeavor for all. This is due in part because understanding is necessary for love. If one does not understand their mate,they will find it hard to live in harmony.
It can be made much easier if people take the time to educate themselves on what actually works versus what is going on.
Hi Abigail,
Can you answer this question?:
What are some healthy habits single people (of color, particularly) can practice to better prepare themselves for marriage?
There are actually several key items that hurt or help relationships.
-level of understanding self
-level of understanding male and female inherited traits
-developing techniques for speaking and actively listening to your mate
-understanding how life's events effect your mate
-level of understanding each other's values
-respecting each other's differences
-compromise
-setting realistic goals for the future
-including other family members in the relationship in safe manner
When one has mastered the skill of maintaining a marriage, it will become easier to maintain other day to day relationships.
A single person should educate themselves in preparation of a relationship.
If you are not prepared for your opportunity, your opportunity will appear to be less than an opportunity.
Preparation is key.
There are a number of relationship enhancement services readily available. Many books have been written to cover the topic of relationships and marriage.
Males tend to internalize day to day events. Males generally will not speak in detail about their day.
Women generally want and expect to give a detailed account about what went on during the day or what affected her most.
A subject may come up that male has been thinking about. Although,he has not spoken to the female about this subject and it affects both parties, his decision is made.
The female may feel that her feelings have not been considered and in turn interprets this to mean that her male partner does not care about her opinion.
It just did not occur to the male that he should discuss this with her. He felt he knew what needed to be done. In his family, his father would often make decisions and his mother would most often go along with it.
Can we see how this small misunderstanding can lead to a huge conflict already?
Going back to what single people can do to prepare for marriage.....I honestly believe that it would help greatly if single people were to educate themselves about relationships and marriage. Why go into such a life altering event blindly?
We have to prioritize or goals in life. If done successfully, marriage can play a huge role in:
-enhancing one's sense of self
-providing a support system to help one get through life's ups and downs
- providing assistance with personal growth
-compensating for weakness and complimenting strengths
My husband is far more patient than me. I learn from him how to be more patient. My impatience often leads to feel agitated. Where his abundance of patience helps to calm me.
Understanding his male tendencies helps me to understand other males in my environment. Thereby, helping me to be patient and develop an understanding for their plight.
I would have liked this post to be a little longer. You didn't go into the other issues you brought up - sex and living together before getting married.
Politically, I have made a choice to not get married until every consenting adult has the right to marry the consenting adult of their choice, but personally, I'm not even sure it's necessary for my life (right now) and my goals.
However, I do believe couples should be open and honest with each other and themselves with regard to marriage.
It is essential for the couple contemplating marriage to sit down together and clarify their intentions and goals for their marriage.
It is only recent that people marry for love - economic and social status being the original impetus - so knowing what each other wants and expects is key to how successful the marriage will be.
We should be willing to challenge our beliefs about marriage, what each other is 'responsible' for in the relationship, and even what it means for the relationship to go from dating to a (somewhat) binding commitment.
I think it is very important for the mates to be equally respectful in a relationship, however the woman should defer the leading of the relationship to the male. It states this in the Bible and if most followed this doctrine, I think the family unit would be much stronger. If couples, especially African-American couples understood this going into marriage, I believe they would have a stronger bond and more successful marriage.
We can continue topic the further. But before I end the discussion for tonight I must say that everyone has the right to make their own decision about whether or not to get married. However, it serves all involved to make an informed decision.
There is no model of perfection. But if the goal is to get married and stay married, understanding is necessary.
A commitment requires all parties to agree. Living together doesn’t necessarily lead to marriage. The reason is that marriage requires a commitment. It requires compromise. In all actuality marriage can be simplified to a legally binding documented commitment. This document truly becomes important when children are involved. Children want and expect to have both parents around to provide for their needs.
In the event that one parent deceases before the other, the surviving spouse is considered the nearest of kin. The surviving spouse can make decisions in place of the deceased spouse. Marriage enables a couple to rights that co-habitation does not. Of course, these rights can be just as detrimental as it can be helpful. It all depends on the couple and how well they honor each other.
That’s correct; marriage hasn’t always been about love. Realistically it really doesn’t have to be. What is essential is that the couple is able to collaborate on beliefs, values, goals, finances and relatives.
Sex should not be a deciding factor on how well a relationship is going. No matter how good or bad sex is in a relationship, lack of communication, understanding, and compromise will absolutely build barriers and eventually end the relationship. Individuals who place high priority on sexual intimacy versus a more complete intimacy will lose in the end of the relationship.
Men should take on the dominant role in the relationship. Men are known to be our providers, protectors, and more. However, the male must also be prepared and choose wisely. Too often males make uninformed choices or choices that put him in a relationship where he is without the capacity to lead in the relationship. Also, leading the relationship should not be interpreted as control. There are necessary skills that are required of all leaders.
I don’t have all the answers. But what I do is seek opportunities to find out if my marriage is on the right track. What can we do to enhance the relationship we’ve already established?
We’ve found joy and enlightenment through marriage retreats that allow us to learn about relationship enhancement skills in a relaxed and fun group setting.
We can definitely go more in depth if anyone is interested.
I missed the discussion but I am glad that there is focus on building and sustaining the structure of the black family. Now we must really implement this in our lives and amongst others.
See Please Here
One major problem is that unfortunately a lot of African Americans are coming from single parent homes and might not see the necessity in getting married. There are not enough examples for the young ones to go on.
Television often portrays being young and single as being hip and being married as boring. Another factor attributing to the lack in nuptial increase is the whole feminist movement that left women believing that they did not need men if they were strong and independent.
Marriage counseling should be more prominent in our community and individuals should not be afraid to seek it. However, marriage counseling only works for those that decide to get married. This is a problem that can only get better one generation at a time. We have to set examples for the younger ones and learn to speak to them.
A very good point has been made. Black women have been “holding done the fort”, so to speak, as single parents for so long that the model African American family may have become one that is made up of single parent and children. However, studies show us that the single family household, (though many have been strong) has many negative side effects along with the positive. Some effects include poverty, imprisonment, financial struggles, mental health problems, and many other factors that can become extremely detrimental when combined. The stress of single parenting placed on one individual may become overbearing. Marriage does not erase these negative side effects. A healthy marriage can however, subdue the negative factors.
Young single African Americans are at a disadvantage when attempting relationship and martial affairs without strategies, and structure. With this being the norm, premarital education can become extraordinarily valuable. As today’s married couples begin to educate themselves on what works they must not leave their children in the dark. Premarital education will begin to shed light on strategies that lead to better relationships for all.
Abigail,
I absolutely loved your article. It was informative and made me raise some concerns about my own relationships. Thank you for writing about a topic that is affecting our community and everyday relationships. People usually don't think twice about why they are the way they are. You touched on many things, however, I wish the article was longer so that you could have gone into more detail. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it.
I would have loved to get into more detail about marriage. However, there are so many areas to cover.
I've already attended 2 weekend retreats and there is still so much more to learn. For this reason, I have provided the reader with two valuable resources. I have many more resources on the subject and have already noted that there are currently education services available for couples. For the price of a pair of shoes each; a couple can experience a course that may change their lives, the way the see their spouse and the way they see the world and the relationships around them.
For those who would like to continue discussion, feel free to do so on this blog. There are many general questions and comments that can be addressed here.
Personal questions can be addressed diffferently.
dear abigail,
what is it that makes people know that they are actually in love whit their mates.
"Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the other person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love." - Thich Nhat Hahn
There is no “one size fits all” answer to your question. However the quote above is right on point. People must ask themselves several questions to determine whether or not they are in love. Here are a few below:
Most importantly, do you understand this person?
How much do you know about this person?
How much do you know about the events in this person’s life that have helped to shape their attitudes about life and love?
How do you define love?
What are your conditions to love? Would you still love them if they lost their job, needed psychiatric care, or became an alcoholic?
Can you put aside your own selfish wants and desires to truly care for this person during their times of need?
Will this person be receptive of your love?
Will you still love this person if they were to fall seriously ill?
Will you still love this person if they gained a significant amount of weight?
Would you love this person if distance kept you apart for an extended period of time?
What does this person feel strongly about?
Do you know how this person displays their love?
Is this person aware of the way you show signs of love?
Do you find it easiest to communicate with this person?
The things that make you feel happiest; do they conflict with those of the person you are in love with?
Is this lust or true love?
We want to know that there is at least one person in our lives who we can really depend on to be there when the chips are down. Can you be there for this person when they are suffering? Can you communicate your suffering to this person?
We must not mistake a call to service for love. There are times in our lives when we meet individuals who we are most able to help. We think about how we can be of service and lose sight of the reality. We were called to service and not necessarily to begin a love affair.
So you see; there is much to think about.
"Beginning in 1866, African-American couples could register their marriages in the county clerk’s office by giving their names and the number of years they had lived together as man and wife. A small fee was required to record the marriage and it is likely that many people could not afford to pay and, thus, their marriages were not recorded. These marriages are found in separate books called "Declarations of Marriages of Negroes and Mulattos" and are located in the county clerks’ offices of each county."
http://wkygenealogy.blogspot.com/2007/10/african-american-marriage-records.html
Marriage Education may be the very resource that can save not only marriages, but enhance all relationships, thereby providing for productive communities.
Yet Marriage Education is not taught in schools. Nor is it a part of most conversations about weddings or marriage. Without a foundation how are we to build relationships that are strong enough to survive the pressures of everyday living?
Sex education is readily available to high school students. No where in the curriculum are there any details on sustaining a relationship.
Our relationships will affect every aspect of our lives. From the relationship we develop at home to the relationship we develop at work and all throughout adulthood.
What do you do when the most important relationship in your life begins a steady decline? Marriage mediation or family mediation may be one simple solution.
Why?
Marriage Mediation allows both parties to speak freely in a environment that they feel safe to voice their concerns. A mediator can allow for the both parties to be heard without emotional interruptions, severe withdrawal such as walking away, or other everyday occurrences that build barriers to communication. Life has unexpected events that can turn your world upside down. Don't allow your support systems to be broken down by simple communication obstacles. Ideally, Premarital Education would lay the groundwork for best results within a marriage.
In the absence of Premarital Education prior to the commitment, couples and families can consider working with a mediator to help solve problems and create a positive and supportive environment for all involved. School administrators, law enforcement officers, etc. are not mediators and should not be asked to intervene between feuding parents. An impartial mediator would work with both parties in hopes of assisting those involved in meeting half way to an agreement.
More info:
http://center.americanvalues.org/?p=8
I just finished reading an article titled, "U.S. Campaign to Promote Abstinence Begins", Washington Post.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/31/AR2008053101742.html
The first thing that came to my mind is that marriage education funding should be prioritized at a greater level. It could even fall under abstinence advocacy.
Why is this? Marriage Education or Relationship Enhancement workshops serve to alleviate many community issues. This kind of education promotes relationship building as opposed to a focus on sex. The information obtained through Marriage Education or Relationship Enhancement workshop teachings can be utilized in every aspect of life. From family life, to married life, to work environments, to communities, this type of funding would resonate throughout the nation.
Currently, if you tell young people not to have sex, your voice is lost. It's lost somewhere in the midst of the sex sells approach of the media. It's lost somewhere amidst the sex sells ideals in the television shows, the video games, magazines, newspapers, and radio. Essentially the very influential proponents largely incorporated into the lives of our children are selling sex to their young minds.
Fighting against these values is a difficult, uphill battle. What is needed is creativity, a shift in gears, and a new approach. Instead of preaching no sex to young people why not educate them on life. No, not the birds and the bees. Not sex education in its raw sense. How about what comes along with sex? We already know the answer to that is too often: babies. Babies make a family and marriage is about families and relationships.
How can this concept replace the presently failing solution of teaching teenagers about sexually transmitted diseases, how to have sex and use contraceptives, or just don't have sex?
Let's teach teenagers the joy of successful relationships throughout every aspect of their lives. The youth lack very basic, simple communication skills. Before we can teach about sex, we must teach this young group how to communicate with each other. How can they learn more about the world around them if they lack simple communication skills? Teenagers should understand how to maintain a happy family. The goal is to teach responsibility. If an individual truly feels responsible for their own actions, they make decisions that represent this. This knowledge may serve to support teenagers putting off sex and pregnancy. But even better than that, it can serve to keep families together and happier. A greater sense of relationships will lead fathers to particpate in the lives of their offspring and mothers to make decisions that greatly benefit their children.
Support marriage education.
There were lots of very good post by you and guests. Although I am single, Here is my take. I believe that marriges become successful when couples share similiar values and continue to learn of how they can improve their relationship. Values can encompass so much (e,g. communication, character, responsibiility, sharing books of interest, trust and so on)
I also believe that the institution of marriage works when couples take the time to check in to see how things are going with the relationship. I honestly don't think couples just fall out of love. I believe that a series of events lead up to this detachment by either person and then eventually both may begin to behave in ways that confirm that the relationship is unstable..... next is the separation and then divorce. Counseling can slow or stop this process if the relationship hasn't deteriorated and both parties agree to give it 100%.
I believe checking in allows for both couples to identify the strength of their relationship by understanding what's working or not. This may seem rudimentary but consider when people decided to get married that their relationship, one hopes, should be a 10 on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being I love you like oxygen 1 is carbon dioxide). As time passes that number may decrease because of events in the relationship that one party member may be clueless of. Checking in (couples can decide how often) by asking on a scale from 1 to 10 where are we? It can give persons an opportunity to place a number value with the relationship. This also gives couples the opportunity to continue further discussion if the number falls to a certain level. This could be a warning sign that attention to the relationship is necessary before it becomes worst.
I like your idea about retreats and their potential effectiveness to assist couples to enhance their relationships. Planning such events often can renew the relationship over and over and over.
Well, take care, thanks for sharing and I will share the article with others.
Pressconnects has raised the question: How much should we teach them?
Readers debate content of school based sexual education.
Of course I shared my opinion. Some interesting thoughts were shared.
Cut and paste the address below.
http://www.pressconnects.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080611/OPINION/806110321&referrer=FRONTPAGECAROUSEL
Here's the complete web address.
http://www.pressconnects.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080611/OPINION/806110321&referrer=FRONTPAGECAROUSEL
Black in America
Ira Johnson, a single mother of five teenage children (one adopted), talks about having had four children by the same man by the time she was 29. Why not get married, Ms. O’Brien asks, as Ms. Johnson recounts her hardships.
“I was young,” Ms. Johnson says. “But I was also depressed, and I didn’t know I was depressed because I didn’t know about depression. But I knew something was wrong with me, and I just didn’t tell anybody.”
Excerpt from New York Times article: CNN Trains Its Lens on Race
I want to comment on the matter of marriage and sex education.
Yes, we tell our young people to not to have sex, and we tell them the dangers associated with pre-marital sex, such as the possibility of getting sexually transmitted diseases. I think these should be taught, but the thing we need to let them know is that there is a time for everything under the sun. We don't eat a cake just after we have mixed the batter. The cake batter has all the ingredients that will make it a delicious cake, yet it will be more delightful after we have waited, and placed it in the We may accomplish this through proper communication, and learning to wait for appropriate time, so that everything is done in its time.
Gwb.
A website has been dedicated to this topic of marriage in the african american community. For more cut and paste the link below:
http://africanamericanmarriage.weebly.com/
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